Allyship is not a one-time act. It is a lifelong commitment to showing up, supporting others, and actively working to make your workplace fairer, more equitable, and more welcoming. It is about using your influence, your voice, and your actions to create spaces where everyone feels seen and respected. But no matter how committed or well-intentioned you are, mistakes are inevitable. The key is not to avoid mistakes entirely, but to respond to them thoughtfully and use them as opportunities for growth.
Here are practical steps to follow when you have misstepped as an ally:
1. Listen without defensiveness
Receiving feedback, especially about your words or actions that may have caused harm, can be uncomfortable. It is natural to want to defend yourself or explain your intentions. Instead of reacting with “That is not what I meant” or “You are overreacting,” pause and truly listen. Give the other person space to express how they experienced your actions. Empathy begins with hearing, understanding, and validating experiences without immediately shifting the conversation to your intentions or feelings.
2. Acknowledge the impact
Intentions are important, but impact matters more. Even if your actions were well-meaning, they may have caused harm or discomfort. Acknowledging the effect of your behaviour shows that you value the experience of the person affected. You might say, “I hear you, and I didn’t realise the impact of what I said. I am sorry for how that came across.” Validating someone’s experience is often more meaningful than explaining why you acted as you did.
3. Apologise sincerely and specifically
Vague apologies like “Sorry if you were offended” can feel dismissive and insincere. A meaningful apology is direct and takes responsibility for your actions. For example, instead of a general apology, you could say, “I am sorry I interrupted you during the meeting. I realise that shutting down your voice was wrong, and I want to be more mindful in the future.” Specificity demonstrates that you have reflected on your actions and are committed to change.
4. Keep the focus on the person affected
It is natural to feel embarrassed or guilty, but try not to centre your apology on your own feelings. Statements like “I feel terrible, I am such a bad person” shift the focus from the person impacted to your own discomfort. While it is okay to feel these emotions privately, during your apology, the emphasis should remain on acknowledging harm, validating experiences, and outlining steps to do better.
5. Learn, reflect, and do better
Mistakes are opportunities for learning. Reflect on what you can take from the experience and what actions or behaviours you might need to change. This could involve reading more on the topic, attending workshops, seeking guidance from a mentor, or observing the practices of more experienced allies. Showing that you have taken feedback seriously and adjusted your behaviour is one of the strongest ways to demonstrate allyship. It signals that you are committed not just to words but to tangible growth and action.
Real progress happens when allies take responsibility for their actions, respond with empathy, and continue to support others through both successes and missteps. Each step you take to repair harm and improve your understanding contributes to a culture of respect, trust, and equity.
At Serein, we help organisations strengthen allyship through awareness, reflection, and everyday action. Connect with us at hello@serein.in.